Pondering the Imponderables

I want to start off with a story. It’s a story about a girl and a boy who fell in love with each other but never had a chance. I’m sure you’ve heard the tale. But this is much more personal.

I had just been dumped pretty hard by someone I cared for immensely. One might say I even loved her. I was in the prototypical sad state of affairs after this when I met Jennifer. I couldn’t tell you, even to this day, what it was about her. She was gorgeous, sure, but that wasn’t it. Her eyes sparkled with all the stars of the night sky, but that wasn’t it either. Her smile. There are no words to describe her smile, even now, but suffice it to say that it could make any dreary day bright again. But it wasn’t even that.

I felt something. Something inexplicable, something intangible, something…that caused my heart rate to elevate, my palms to get sweaty, and my breathing to become slightly labored. I remember thinking my stomach was in my throat and wondering how on earth this could be. Love at first sight? That was a mere fallacy, no such thing existed.

Oh, but it existed alright. Even if I didn’t want to believe it, it happened. I can’t explain it so it makes sense even to me, but from the moment our eyes met, I knew I had loved her all my life. As it turned out, I wasn’t alone in my feelings, either.

Now, one might think how lovely a story, and when I start with something like this I’m often asked, “So how long have you two been together?” The answer is: We never were.

The mere strength of the emotions scared the living crap out of both of us, and in different ways. First, I was afraid to think, say or do anything that might bring up such an admission, and when I finally admitted it to myself it took a while for me to work up the courage to say anything. When I finally did speak up, Jennifer stopped talking to me for three long months. I don’t know if I’d ever felt more devastated in my life, even up to now. But it wasn’t her fault. She didn’t know how to react, because she felt the same way. The whole thing is frightening on a whole other level.

If we fast forward to today, you’d see that I’ve now been married for six years to an amazing woman who’s been by my side for eight years now. Her name is Melody. She takes my breath away, even after all this time, and I am always falling deeper in love with her. Each day I wake, I realize my heart has gotten bigger, I feel like my chest is going to explode it’s so filled with love and passion for her. But, even after all that time, Jennifer is an ever-present force in my life.

I’m not using pseudonyms or changing names here, this is my reality. I’m not telling the story of Phaedra and Dane here (although those tales have a basis in the truth of my relationship with Jennifer); instead, I’m trying to make sense of something so few could possibly comprehend, and even fewer bother with. And that is the idea of soul mates.

If you’ll be so kind as to indulge me, I have a theory.

The soul, or spirit if you will, is eternal. Each soul has a different beginning, some being old, others being relatively young. But they are not bound to life and death as a mortal is. Instead, they weave in and out of time, sharing a life with a person of their choosing.

Have you ever had memories that aren’t yours? Have you ever dreamed of things that you know had to have happened but never actually happened to you? I believe these memories are not our own, but connects us to all those our spirit has shared its time with – I believe that the spirit chooses us at conception and bonds with us, staying with us until our final breath. After that, it will carry us into the future, bringing all our memories as well – a form of immortality, if you will.

Now, what if my spirit meets up with another spirit that it shared a life with in the distant past? The power of that kind of connection is immeasurable. I’ve met two such people in my life. But the connection I share with Jennifer is by far the most powerful thing I’ve ever felt.

I can feel her pains, her frustrations, and tears. I can feel her happiness and joys. I may not be able to know why or how, but it’s there. Every time a tear falls from her beautiful face, it lands upon my heart. Even over great distances of time and space it was ever-present. I can’t speak for her, but for me it is the single most incredible experience of my life…and I didn’t even get to share my life with her.

It’s an odd thing, trying to make sense of the nonsensical, but I hope I’m not alone here. I hope I don’t come across as this mind-numbingly insane guy that blows a lot of hot air up your skirt. Even if I can’t explain it, it doesn’t detract from the magnitude of what I feel. A flood of emotions doesn’t begin to describe it.

To say that I love Jennifer isn’t enough. To try to explain it is impossible. You see, I love and adore my wife, but that’s different. What I feel from her I can attribute to intuition, or being able to see her reactions to whatever is going on. I know the story, I know the stimulus. But with Jennifer it’s something beyond me, beyond us. Something I may never know or understand.

And somehow, I have to be okay with that.

But, I think I’ve won in some weird way. Jennifer, after many years of silence between us, is now in my life again and we’ve sort of redirected our energies into being friends. Some days I imagine it must be hard, but for some reason I feel whole knowing I can talk to her, and I’m okay with knowing that I can never have what I thought was the only woman in the world for me – in that way.

Ever heard the term “old soul”? Well, if I were to guess, I’d say that our souls might be some of the eldest… But that’s just speculation.

So, what is the purpose of this post? Honestly, I have no idea. I felt like talking about something personal for once, instead of posting stories or guides. And don’t worry too much, if you think me odd now, just give it time…you may find I’m not such an oddball after all.


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