Dane had given up everything to be with her, because to him, she was everything.  And yet, she remained an enigmatic mystery to him, a gypsy of sorts, an eternal wanderer who didn’t know that everything she had ever desired she already had.

“Always and forever,” he always ended their conversations with this, letting Phaedra know that nothing could shake his love for her.

“But how can you possibly love me?”  When she first said this, Dane let it slide, but by this point it had become an issue, for it seemed Phaedra truly wondered how he loved her.  In her mind, she was unworthy of love, and even more unworthy of Dane’s love.

“My love, please don’t.  When it all began, it may not have been by choice, but I am yours,” he continued, “My heart belongs to you.”

“But…” her voice trailed before softly finishing, “I don’t deserve someone as wonderful as you.”

“What you mean is: you don’t deserve someone as horrible as I…” he tried laughing it off as only he could, but he was plenty annoyed at this point.

“No, you know what I mean.”

“I know what you mean.  And you’re foolish to think such things.  I can’t tell you enough just how amazing you really are.”

Phaedra had only heard one thing though, “Are you calling me a fool?”

What is it with women and their ability to hear and twist that one off-color word and hear nothing else? He was peeved.

“You know I didn’t.”  He said this a little more harshly than he meant to, but he was done with this conversation.  And she certainly heard it.

“I’m sorry,” she told him, “I just don’t see…”

Dane cut her off, “Just know that I love you.  I’m a bit annoyed but I’m going to get some sleep.  Bye.”

He didn’t even say, ‘always and forever,’ like he usually did.  And as he rolled over and faced the wall, closing up his phone in the process he received a text, it was from Phaedra.

“Please forgive me,” was all it said.

Before drifting off he shot back a quick text in return, “Forgiven, my love.  Talk soon.”

He haunted her dreams still.  It had been years now, and Phaedra had tried to move on, desperate to let go of the one thing she had been unable to keep.  In her feeble attempts to go forward with her life she had broken more than a few hearts.  She didn’t mean to, each guy was as good a man as she could ask for – but none of them were Dane.

She had heard through the grapevine that Dane was happy, settled down and engaged.  Phaedra couldn’t help but think how lucky that woman was, hoping and wishing that whoever this woman was, that she knew what she had in him.  But Phaedra had her doubts, to be sure – after all, there was no one who could love him like she could.

As her mind wandered, she found herself in her favorite coffee shop.  A book was open and she was staring at it, but all she could think of as she stared blankly at the pages was that time Dane gave her his journal.  He gave it to her in trust, with permission to read anything she wanted.  A tear found its way out as she sniffled at the thought of the poetry he wrote to her, or what he had written about their fateful meeting.  Throughout her life, she had never felt so alone as she did in this moment.

Her coffee getting cold, oblivious to the rest of the world around her, she closed her book and stuffed it into her purse.  As she stepped outside, breathless from her soul being ripped out, she began to cry.  And her dress, that lovely yellow dress that always brightened her day, contrasted terribly with the storm building within her deep brown eyes.

Her knees were buckling beneath her, weakened by the pain in her heart, so she walked home, the tears flowing as she made her way up the stairs and just as she was nearing the top of the stairs she stumbled, crashing her shin into the corner and wincing as she cried out in frustrated anger and heartbreak.  She got back up, made it to her door and fumbled with the lock for a bit until she got in.

She had to feel him again, and she rushed to her secret box where she had stored all his letters, and though the blurred vision from the constant tears made for a rough read, his words found their way and made her smile again.

“I love you, my Angel of Light.  I am yours, and you are mine, always and forever.”

Dane, after what seemed like far too long, arrived safely. As he finished everything he needed to and got settled into his new environment he laid down on the stiff bed and called Phaedra. It had been too long since he’d last seen her, but at least he could hear her voice.

“Hello?”

Dane couldn’t help it, his smile lit up his face like only her voice could do. “Heya gorgeous,” he said, as he stared at the wall in the dimly lit room.

“Safe and sound?” Phaedra asked. Dane could feel her smile.

“All’s well. I’m exhausted though. Couldn’t exactly get much sleep on the way over here.”

“It’s okay, you just rest and let your eyes settle in,” as if he could help himself. Her voice was so calming, comforting to his soul, that as she said these words he drifted off, his phone still on his ear.

Morning came too soon.

As Dane shifted in the morning and groaned a bit, he realized that the phone was still on his ear, and while still in a bit of a haze he heard, “Good morning!”

“Have you been awake all night?” he asked, somewhat confused and still out of it.

“I suppose I have,” she replied, “I was just listening to you breathe. You breathe so slowly, rhythmically, I just couldn’t help myself.” Dane could feel her smile, just as he could feel everything about her, and as his face brightened he was unsure if he’d ever felt such butterflies before.

He pulled into the parking spot, near but beyond sight of his apartment. Dane had a big smile on his face, one of the biggest smiles he’d had in some time. It was amazing how good Phaedra made him feel; just the sound of her voice over the phone was enough to tear down the walls he built around his heart, and it had been a long time. But their reunion wasn’t all joy and laughter.

It weighed heavily on her heart, as he could feel it when she asked, “Are you happy?”

There it was, the question he had been seeking the answer to for months. But he knew deep down that if he had to ask the question, then he already had the answer. “No.” He wanted to explain, to let her know everything that was on his heart, but nothing came and silence filled the conversation.

“Dane, I love you. I have always loved you. And I will always love you,” Phaedra finally, after three heartbreaking years, admitted to her feelings for him. Dane’s eyes filled with tears as he began sobbing uncontrollably. As much as he might have looked the fool, sitting in his car on the phone, crying, he couldn’t have cared less. His heart about leapt from his chest.

After a few moments to regain some semblance of composure, he replied, “I’ve known. But to hear you say those words means everything to me. I love you with every fiber of my being.”

“I’m sorry…” it just lingered there, he could tell there was so much more she needed to say but couldn’t, and he was at a loss for words as well.

“It’s okay, my angel. I understand.”

He could feel her smile, somehow, even over the great distance between them. It was one of those smiles filled with pain. And through his joyful tears, he found his smile as well.

“I need to go, talk soon?” she asked.

“Of course,” Dane responded. And with that, they hung up. This was so hard. Waiting in his apartment was the woman he’d been living with for the last year and a half. Granted, he wasn’t happy, but from the very beginning of the relationship he’d felt as though he were living a lie. No matter what he did, his soul belonged to Phaedra.

He hadn’t stopped crying when he opened the door to a cheerful Lauren eager to see him. Her smile disappeared when she saw his face, and the scowl he wore was an obvious omen as he walked right past her and into their room. Not a word uttered.

None of this was fair to Lauren, he knew, but he had felt so alone, and she offered him a false comfort at a time when Phaedra wasn’t his. he thought, perhaps if he faked the laughter, some form of happiness would follow, but that, too, was a lie.

He sat down on the bed and the tears came flooding back again.

Phaedra was coming home one day, and very nearly spilled her coffee on some stranger, but luckily she was able to save his shirt, for which he was eternally grateful.  Embarrassed, her face flushed, she finally looked up and was shocked to see Dane’s eyes lit up with that smile only he could have on his face.

Her countenance softened, brightening up instantly.  “Dane!”

“Hi, love.”  His smile melted her heart, and he could see her eyes welling up with tears, “It’s been a while.  What are you doing here?”

“I moved here recently, for work,” she replied as he wiped away her tears.  His eyes were intense, and she could feel herself slipping.  “How long have you been here?”

He laughed, “Way too long.”

Phaedra smiled, she couldn’t help herself.  “Are you off work?”

“Yes, was going to head home and make some dinner.  Care to join me?”

“If I won’t be intruding, sure.”

~*~

He slid the key into the knob and turned it smoothly.  The door opened up with ease and his quaint living area was there before them.  He motioned her ahead of him to go in, very gentlemanly, but he felt out of sorts.

His heart in his throat, Dane was nervous, though he tried to hide it.  On the way to his place they spent time catching up and she joined as he picked up a few things he needed for dinner.  It was a lovely walk, but it took every bit of willpower he had to avert his gaze from her, to not stare – she was so beautiful, captivating.

Phaedra helped with dinner, and he kept catching himself staring at her.  Her little hand motions and gestures, her laughter and the way she covered her mouth every time, and how she seemed to peer into his soul every time their eyes met.  Some things never change.

He was incredibly cautious to keep his distance, thinking it safer to let her make the first move, but he uncertain how long he could last without touching her, especially with her so close.  His mind was on fire, and he began to wash the dishes when she came up behind him and held him, her body pressed against his, and just like that first hug from a lifetime ago, his body felt electrified.

It was beginning to rain outside, the thunder was getting closer, the rain beating on the windows and roof.  Nights like this were his aphrodisiac.  He began to turn and felt Phaedra loosen her grip just enough for him to face her.

And finally, at long last, his lips pressed to hers and his entire body shivered in anticipatory excitement.  Her body melted into his, and his breath was stolen from him entirely as he picked her up and sat her on the table, removing her blouse in one swift motion.  He didn’t want anything to come between their lips for long.

She unbuttoned his shirt, her fingers making short work of it while he unclasped her bra and ran his hands over her back, shooting pangs of ecstasy through her body as she arched her body and let him hold her.  Phaedra reached for his belt buckle, fumbled with it for a moment and unclasped the belt, unbuttoning and unzipping his slacks in one quick motion as Dane picked her up again and carried her to his bedroom.  It got awkward when his pants slipped down too far as he was walking and they were soon laughing together at his short steps.

Dane laid her down on the bed and deftly removed her pants, kicking his off in the process.  He was shaking again, caught up in the moment this time, and for the first time in his life, he understood, and suddenly time stopped around him as his heart raced and he touched her, running his fingers up her legs, tracing her panty-line, caressing her tummy and finally outlined her breasts, teasing her nipples as his lips began to kiss her stomach, sensuously moving downward.

As his lips went between her legs, meeting hers, he got lost in her.  He could feel her as her pulse quickened, her legs moving up and down, shaking uncontrollably, her hands running through his hair, pulling and pressing his head down further as moans escaped from her mouth.

He had to look into her eyes, though…allowing his fingers to continue where his tongue left off, he began to kiss back up her body, stopping for a short while on her nipples, teasing and flicking each with his tongue as her body began to arch even more between the work of his fingers and his talented tongue.  Suddenly, he was kissing her deeply again, and in one quick movement of her body she was on top of him, in full control, kissing and pressing herself into him as she slid down, wrapping her tight, wet lips around his hard member.

He was lost within her as they moved rhythmically as one.  She was created for him, the way they fit together was perfection, and he couldn’t be happier than he was in this moment.  They continued this dance for hours until they came together, collapsing to the steady patter of rain.

Here she was.  Phaedra hesitated, but with her stomach in knots and her body shaking, she knocked on the door.  She couldn’t understand what was wrong with her, her body had never felt like this before.  Her head was swimming, her palms sweaty, and yet she was shivering like if she’d just walked out of an icy river.

A strange woman answered the door, “Can I help you?”

“I’m, uh, looking for Dane,” she implored.  Her face must have looked like a puzzled mess as her thoughts betrayed her, automatically thinking the worst, hair crazy and disheveled, shaking like a fool.

“There’s no Dane here, sweetheart,” the gesture was genuine, “Are you lost?  Would you care for some hot tea?  I was just about to sit down and read, but you look like you could use an ear.”

“I thank you, ma’am, but I really should be going.  I’m … looking for someone.”

“When was the last time you saw – Dane, was it?  And are you sure it was this apartment?”  The kind and nameless lady was starting to get concerned for Phaedra.

That’s when she realized it.  He had walked away that night and now, it was nearly two years later.  Where had the time gone?  “It’s been nearly two years now,” then, in a whisper that even she could barely hear, “I’ve lost him.”

I had my moment, and I let him slip through my grasp, she thought.  As she hung her head, she said, “Sorry to have bothered you ma’am.  And thanks for the offer, have a great night,” Phaedra managed a weak smile and she turned around then, downtrodden, and found her way out.

If there was any consolation to be had, at least her stomach wasn’t turning anymore, but in that same time-frame, her heart was pulled from her chest.

Who is he? she wondered to herself as he stood across the way.  He wasn’t particularly good looking, but there was something about him that pulled to her.

He wasn’t smiling, and if truth be told, he was barely present.  She noticed him look up, and then, in a strange way, looked back at her and his eyes met hers – it was almost as if he knew she was looking at him.  Her heart jumped.  Even with the sadness weighing on his face and his inability to smile, she had to know, she had to meet him.  So she did.

“Hi,” she said, perhaps a bit too cheerfully.  To her surprise, he perked up a bit.

“Hi,” came the response, with a forced half-smile.  She noticed how his eyes lit up when he smiled, even if the smile was more willed than genuine.  He had amazing eyes, she noticed.  Phaedra got lost in those eyes, and it took every bit of strength she could muster to look away.

But she did notice that he never once averted her gaze while she held his.  If only she knew what was going through his head.  “I’m Phaedra,” she introduced herself.

“Dane,” he replied, but his sadness had washed over his face again.  She tried to keep the conversation light.

“I’ve come for a quick visit,” Phaedra explained, “But I should be back soon.”  She couldn’t read his face, and it was aggravating her just a bit.

“Good, it was nice meeting you,” there was that half-smile again, and he went off, stopped by some friends of his.  It seemed he gave the greeting of the day and little else.  Soon, he was out of sight.

She had to see him again.  From the moment she saw him, she knew…but knew what?  Phaedra had never felt like this before, and Dane was important to her, she just…felt it.  Her heart skipped when she was in his presence, her hands shaky, and her smile uncontrollable; she felt like a little girl again, meeting her first love.

But that’s foolishness.  There is no such thing as love at first sight.  Is there?  Over the next two weeks, she couldn’t erase him from her mind.  She was with someone, how could she possibly be thinking about Dane?  Yet, there he was, like a splinter in her mind, and even if she could remove it, she wasn’t entirely sure she wanted to.

It was time for her to go back.  Phaedra was nervous, almost scared.  What if he’s not there?  What if he is?  Her thoughts nearly scared her into not going at all, but in the end, her wonder and curiosity won out.  And there he was.  Maybe it was just wishful thinking, but she could have sworn that he was actually seeking her out this time.

They found each other.  Phaedra went for a hug, almost instinctively, unthinking, and when she touched Dane there was a wave of electricity that went through her body.  Dane had to have felt it too.  She looked up at him, and again, their eyes met.  Was it possible that he was as lost as she was?  He had to be.  But her reality, in this moment, was how the world seemed to fade away, the cacophony being drowned out by the intensity of the moment, the power of the emotions flooding through her and here, right now, she knew…she was, indeed, in love.

“Was it because we never danced?” she stopped then, turning around, and immediately lost the smile she had just worn so beautifully as she saw the despair in his face.

“What?” Phaedra responded, confused.

Dane searched for the words, but could only find, “What happened to us?”  His forehead was furrowed in wrinkles as he searched Phaedra’s face, the wonder and concern visible in his countenance.

“Oh Dane…I…” she drifted off.  She found herself choking on her own words, tripping over her mind as she struggled to find an answer.

Dane looked down, “It’s okay.  There really isn’t an answer, is there?”  He had spent the whole night afraid to touch her, and yet there was something there that felt as though nothing had ever changed between them.

“…no,” came the hushed reply, “there is no answer.”

“I didn’t hold you enough.  I couldn’t show you how much I loved you.  We never danced…or kissed. I…”

“That wasn’t your fault.” Her response, though accurate, rung hollow in his ears.  If only he had done more.  But more what?

“I…love you, Phaedra.  Nothing in this world will change that.”  He grew silent, looked up to the stars on this clear night, and smiled.  She was stunned silent as he went on, “Do you remember that night in the hills when we stared up at the heavens that seemed to go on forever?”

After a hesitation she replied, “I do.”  Her face now mirrored his own, a sadness having fallen over it.

“Me too,” he smiled, and left it at that.  He looked back at the floor, and turned to the opposite direction, tears filling his eyes.  Before he ruined his coat, he took it off and carried it over his arm.  He did all he could to keep his pace, but no matter what he did, he could not look back.

It was a quiet night.  The distant stars were twinkling and the lack of moon caused each point of light to meet her eyes.  The view was beyond reckoning, with stars far too numerous to count.  Streaks of light, at random, would make their way across, but, almost impossibly so, Phaedra’s smile was what really lit the night.

The grassy knoll whereupon they lay was soft, and the dark brought with it a coolness that wasn’t lost on either person as they found themselves close, Phaedra’s head nestled on Dane’s chest, rising with each breath he took, and he with his arm around her, holding her tightly.  Interspersed between the silence, the sound of crickets would waft within earshot, always distant, but distinctly there.

Sometimes, they just needed to be together.  No words, no worries.  Just the unspoken dreams being carried to the skies as they basked under the watchful eyes of the heavens, feeling the world drift away as the stars drew ever nearer.

 

I’ve often sat and wondered at the marvel of faith.  I’ve gone to church, spoken with pastors and priests, and I grew up in a Catholic and Baptist home of confused teachings.  When I was a teenager, I found a faith rooted in a Christianity based on my grandma.  If ever there was a person I’d call a Christian (as I understand the definition), it’d be her.

However, one righteous person cannot negate the horrors of all others who call themselves by this name that is supposed to be holy.

I’ve since learned that a faith is an easy way out.  If I pray then God will hear me.  If I just do the right thing I will be rewarded.  Maybe if I… and you can fill in the blanks, you’ve done it as much as I have.  And then we fall upon hard times.

When the shit hits the fan, we either run toward God, or we run away from Him.  Then we hear from our fellow “brothers and sisters in Christ” that we should just pray about it, or that we maybe just need to realign our lives within His will, or perhaps we get fed a line of BS about how these things happen sometimes and we just need to keep our faith.  What it all amounts to really, is blah, blah, blah.

There is no doubt that hard times befall us all.  That’s life.  I’m pretty sure no one with a working mind needs to be reminded of that fact.  With that said, stop trying to make me feel better about a bad situation.  Similarly, what is God’s will?  According to the bible, the only thing that I can be sure is God’s will is that “none should perish but all should come to the saving knowledge of Christ.”  And as for prayer, since when has that actually accomplished anything?

Here’s what prayer is:  it is a means of doing nothing in anticipation of something good happening to us because we are faithful.  Guess what?  The simple fact is that what happens now was already going to happen because of events that were set into motion long before we ever uttered a word.  In other words, our prayers are meaningless tropes that are good for a pick me up and little else.  In the grand scheme, they accomplish nothing.

I have fought with myself as I move beyond faith and into something more spiritually based.  I believe in a spirit, a soul.  And I believe that this spirit is eternal, that they are continuously being birthed and bring with them the experiences of all those before us, should we only figure out how to tap into it.

I believe our spirits travel from death to new life from generation to generation.  Some of us have souls as old as time itself.  We know things we can’t explain.  We carry memories that are not our own.  And to those memories we add a new lifetime of experiences.  I can see what is wrong with our world so clearly, because it’s all happened before.  And I’m not alone in this.

The Ten Commandments were meant as a beacon of civilization within an uncivilized world.  We failed.  Our biggest failure isn’t sin, however; it’s failing to realize that without understanding our humanity, we cannot fathom a higher form of being.

We think we need a God because sin entered the world, but what we really need is to realize that we were broken from the start.  And if we were created, the Creator knew we were going to fail and created us anyway.  If, indeed, the God of the bible exists, then we’re just playing our part on this step of our journey toward the unknown.  I never made a choice.  And those that wronged me in life were supposed to, because they had no choice.  It was already done long before we were born.

And so, in turn, the anger I felt and the hatred I carried within me was also beyond me, just as it was that I would eventually give all that up.  Because someone else wrote my story before I could decide how it would play out.

The idea is self-defeating.  And I have to admit that I agree with Nietszche on this…God is dead.