I had posted this on my facebook page, but I wanted to get this here on my blog as well.
With all the recent talk and posts of those meaning well with regards to depression, I felt compelled to respond in some way. What I am going to do right now is attempt to shed some light on depression.
Some know, many don’t, that I am depressive. Due to my past I have dealt with PTSD since I was 3, and the depression, I believe, was spawned from the same things that caused the PTSD.
Now my goal here is not to ruin your worldview, or try to make you feel bad or anything. That’s not me. But my purpose in this post is hopefully to educate you so you understand perhaps just a little bit better about how we think and how we operate.
Let me explain how it works for me.
My childhood was hell. I’m going to leave it at that. My middle school years were horrible and I became suicidal at 14. Figured the world was better off without me.
I still believe the world would be better off without me. Please understand, there is absolutely nothing you can say to make me believe otherwise. This is a daily battle. A struggle I have to face every day of my life.
At some point I realized I had to begin a journey if I was to survive. And this journey became my life. You see, I had to understand. I had to understand myself, my perception of what it meant to be a part of this world, what I meant to others in my life, and how all these things intertwined to create me. In the end, it all comes down to perception.
But the journey to oneself is not to be taken lightly. And it ends only with our death. In a way, to embrace this journey is to admit we know nothing, are nothing, and eventually we may discover ourselves in the midst of all the commotion and noise surrounding us.
Now, here’s the thing that many don’t seem to grasp: While I appreciate your kindnesses, they are irrelevant. A kind word doesn’t make me get up in the morning. Trying to remind me that I have a wife and daughters who love me doesn’t help me roll out of bed. You don’t have that power.
I’m sorry if this hurts your heart. I don’t mean it to. But I need you to understand. My life, ultimately, is my own. It is not yours to do with as you please, and in that same vein you do not have the capacity to make me feel better or worse about myself unless I gave you that power.
Trust me, I didn’t. Now, I am not speaking for all depressives, but I’d venture to guess that there are many like me. But please know this, if someone wants to talk, they will talk. If they do not want to talk, you cannot force them. If anything, you may force them to shut down further by trying to intercede… and we lose that person we love so much at the end of our actions which were meant to save. Ironic, isn’t it?
The reality is that there is no real answer to this problem. All we can do is our best. In a world beset by the ravages of philosophical, theological and political turmoil, with people confused, or in utter hatred of those different than they are, I fear the problem of depression will only get worse.
Our vets are taking their lives at an average of 22 a day. But we tell them to man up. Or we tell them that they just have to work through it. What about those who have had to deal with childhood issues, like physical or sexual abuse? Their demons are among the worst a human could face. But they just need to get over it, right? Forgive and move on, because that fixes everything [Sarcasm].
I want you all to know that I am okay. No need for worrying or anything. But I also need you to know and understand that even if there was cause for concern, your words would be met with a smile and a ‘thank you’ that was as empty and meaningless as your gesture. I know that sounds harsh, but this is exactly how we see it. We can’t just be fixed, or snap out of it. It does not work that way.
For those of you who stuck through reading this, thank you for listening.